dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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