I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
