I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
