I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We are two peas in an std pod
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
