Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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