And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
