at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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