Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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