I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
