she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
