Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
