when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
