Sry I called you an 8
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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