Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
