Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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