I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
