i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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