I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
