I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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