I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
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I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
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Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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