in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
