I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
