Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
