saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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