dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
