then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.