just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
