It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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