if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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