the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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