Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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