I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They are going to name an STD after you.
Two words: blizzard sex
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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