So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
