I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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