One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
