the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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