what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
