between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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