She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
