Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
