today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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