im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He kissed a someone with a penis
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
