This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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