highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
