i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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