Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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