Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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