i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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