That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
