he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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