Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
