apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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