my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
