I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
