Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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