Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
