it's too hot outside to masturbate.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
