Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
