Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
