sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
