Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
